Living With Fibromyalgia

   In October of 2008, I took my three children to the park after school one day. My oldest son was in kinder, my middle in preschool and my daughter had just turned 2. It was a hot South Texas fall day, one that changed everything for me.
   I remember the park, the heat of the metal slides, the merry-go-round and a tire swing my kids were dying to get on. It was a regular day, except for the pain in my lower back. At first, I thought it was just after effects from carrying my children (two of them born over 8 lbs.). But the longer it lasted, the more I became concerned it was something more.
   Fifteen minutes after we arrived at the park that sweltering fall day, I began to sweat profusely, my stomach turned and the pain in my back radiated to my thighs and slowly crept up to my arms and worked its way down to my feet until I could hardly stand anymore. I shuffled my protesting children in the truck and went home.
   I lay in bed, praying, begging God to alleviate the pain as it was quickly spreading to my fingers and toes...my spine. It was like nothing I had ever felt before. Excruciatingly raw and so vivid I could do nothing but weep.
   When my husband arrived home that day, I asked him to take me to the emergency room. There was something wrong, I knew it but couldn't really describe it. My hands and feet were purple and swollen and every muscle, tendon, bone and joint throbbed, ached with a fiery hatred.
   All I could do was weep.
   After that first trip, I saw doctor after doctor, took test after test, all of which came back normal. I was at my wits end. So was my family. This thing was killing my body, my spirit. And I continued to pray.
   Six months after that hot October day, my Rheumotologist finally gave me a name for my problem...Fibromyalgia.
   "Okay, so what can we do to fix it?" I asked.
   "I'm afraid there's nothing we can do. The pain can be controlled with medication, but it's just something you are going to have to live with the rest of your life," she said. My whole world crumbled, my heart sinking so far into my chest I thought I'd never feel its beat again.
   Three years and seven different medications later, I am still dealing with this little known disease. Over the years new problems have surfaced. There are strange lumps on my lower back, one small one very close to my spine and when I get a flare-up, I tend to swell, my hands, feet and legs turning a light shade of purple.
   There are a lot of different things that come with this disease. But the worst of it is the depression, the feeling of helplessness and the feat question that will never find an answer...Why me?
   Most days filled with what I call 'easy pain'. It has become the norm for me and I can handle it. It is not until my muscles feel tight as piano wire and my joints ache so bad I think I might scream that it becomes unbearable. And those day, like today, I just wish I could crawl into a dark hole and sob.
   One day there may be a way out of this, but until then, I am just going to have to grin and bear it.
   That's just the way it goes, I guess.
-C.